am i stuck here forever ? am i too old ? is it over for me ? should i give up?

ill try very hard to keep this question short, but theres just alot to explain, to say.

im 31 had a very hard life, many abuses, mainly psychological - ive lived alone in a one bedroom apartment on welfare for 6 years now - so far , ive missed out on a normal life of employment, having friends, having a job, virtually everything.

the mental health services have failed me all my life and im still struggling to get the right help and care from the services.

i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago, but ive felt for a while now ive had symptoms of other disorders to, the other ones being : - OCD , ptsd and bipolar .

i know i have ptsd, i have all the symptoms for it and want further tests done , but i also suspect bipolar and ocd.

the problem is my mental health team dont agree with me and wont test me further, - they wont get me psychotherapy either because they said theres no resources for it in my area..

so now, im gonna have to go down other channels to see i get further assesments done and get intensive therapy..

some of my symptoms are : obsessive worries everyday, about my physical health, future , mental health, material possessions - i repeat these same worries everyday - racing thoughts everyday, struggle to hold a train of thought , scattered jumbled thoughts, feel disorganized, worried everyday.

high levels of anxiety and palpitations , im agoraphobic and cant go out, except to do essential things - i struggle with anger and rage feelings , moods are always ok one minute , euphoric and hopeful the next , back to extremely dispairing the next.

have disocociative episodes where i space out, outside , have panic attacks and feel on edge if i have to go out, on guard. - paranoia people are against me

ive had these symptoms most of my adult life

im also worrying ” should i get tested biologically ? ” -

because ive heard some mental illness are caused by things being physically wrong , neurologically wrong -

if so, what biological tests do i ask for to rule that out ?

ive physically aged in my face because of a stressful life , frown lines , dark lines under eyes , balding , open pores and im worrying :

what face procedure or cosmetic products should i buy for myself to try and keep my skin looking young, healthy ?

what cosmetic facial products do i need to get and how do i use them ?

even though i look older than 31 - premature aging.

i have minor physical disfigurements that cant be repaired , that i worry about : 2 missing teeth , at the front, bottom row due to an accident years back…………a crooked little finger that droops over slightly from an accident years back…………damaged nerves in my right knuckle from punching a wall years ago , that a surgeon said cant be fixed.

i can use my right hand normally but it hurts to hit a punch bag for example.

as well as my disadvantaged past , i also have a criminal record 9 years ago for carrying a knife in a rough area and an assault : i kicked this person in the street.

so that being the case i worry ” how will i achieve my goals in life ”?

goals of leaving england , relocating to a hot country, somewhere coastal, getting an ok job in computers , finding a significant other, some friends etc ??

how when im so disadvantaged and im 31 already ?

i feel stuck in the system, kept down, reliant and dependent upon the system……the mental health services are still not helping me…….i dont want to depend on them.

i wanna be self reliant, independent and go ” my own way ”

im an independent minded person in general im not a sheep.

people here , some dont like me , because of my rage problems many years back , i dont like them either - so i feel alienated in society.
i never go out because of severe agoraphobia.

people tell me i cant reach my goals in my situation, im too old and too disadvantaged and to aim much lower .

i normally get mad at those people because they anger me so much, then they back away or laugh snidely.

im waiting for an operation on my left ankle soon, i will be in a plaster for 6 weeks - i torn the ligaments in a sprain year ago.

here , what ive written are my main problems right now , starting from the top - does anyone know how i can work through them and manage them ?

Posted in psychotherapy education