am i too labelled , too old & stigmatized, & disadvantaged by my past?

heres my life so far:

- 31 years old , had a very hard life, many abuses, mainly psychological .

-ive lived alone in a one bedroom apartment on welfare for 6 years now

- so far , ive missed out on a normal life of employment, having friends, having a job, virtually everything.

- the mental health services have failed me all my life and im still struggling to get the right help and care from the services.

- was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago, but ive felt for a while now ive had symptoms of other disorders to, the other ones being : - OCD , ptsd and bipolar .

i know i have ptsd, i have all the symptoms for it and want further tests done , but i also suspect bipolar and ocd.

the problem is my mental health team dont agree with me and wont test me further, - they wont get me psychotherapy either because they said theres no resources for it in my area..

so now, im gonna have to go down other channels to see i get further assesments done and get intensive therapy..

- physically aged in my face because of a stressful life , frown lines , dark lines under eyes , balding , open pores

- i look older than 31

i have minor physical disfigurements that cant be repaired , that i worry about : 2 missing teeth , at the front, bottom row due to an accident years back…………a crooked little finger that droops over slightly from an accident years back…………damaged nerves in my right knuckle from punching a wall years ago , that a surgeon said cant be fixed.

i can use my right hand normally but it hurts to hit a punch bag for example

- i also have a criminal record 9 years ago for carrying a knife in a rough area and an assault : i kicked this person in the street.

- i was in a mental hospital 9 years ago, because i said things to worry psychiatrist, because i wasnt getting any psychiatric care in society.

- i feel stuck in the system, kept down, reliant and dependent upon the system……the mental health services are still not helping me…….i dont want to depend on them.

i wanna be self reliant, independent and go ” my own way ”

- i couldnt take living in england forever , lonely , isolated , still not getting the right help from the mental services - feeling alienated , in grey , gloomy uk in a 1 bedroom apartment on disability..

- im waiting for an operation on my left ankle soon, i will be in a plaster for 6 weeks - i torn the ligaments in a sprain year ago

my goals are :

desperate for a life, a direction, a career in computers , good friends that i choose , a partner , to leave england, move to a hot country, somewhere coastal ..

what will i do ? - ive missed out on life so far , how will i attain my dreams of a better life ?

im doing everything i can to be strong right now….but im so panicky, i hate where iam, and want to ESCAPE to a better life.
i still struggle with feeling worthless and very low self esteem because of all the abuse i took in life too.

Posted in psychiatrist career