can there be any hope for me , or is it over for me ?
should i slay thine self ? slice thy neck ?
i have a fear that i will remain stuck in my present situation forever and its really freaking me out, or i wont know how to get out of it, and that im in a hurry now or else time will run out : i live in a 1 bedroom apartment on disability in the uk, i have no possessions.
because of a hard misfortunate life, which i wont go over again, ive missed out on the normal things people take for granted : building relationships , being employed , getting qualifications , living a life , learning developmental social skills. have a criminal past 8 years ago, been in a mental hospital 8 years ago -
missed out on all of it.
im determined to be positive, strong and work through what has to be worked on but….
i just feel overwhelmed with everything and worry my happiness and life goals will never happen……feel like im way left behind everybody else, have a lot of catching up to do, worry time will run out because im now nearly 31 .
ive aged prematurely in my face , im bald with shaved head, look every year of my age.
im waiting for reconstructive surgery operations on my ankle because i completely torn the ligament in an accident year ago , its very weak, it can easily give way, have to watch how i walk — im on the waitin list , and after, will be in plaster for 6 weeks on crutches , i live on the 3rd floor in my apartment so i feel really immobilised and debilitated with it.
the only person in my life is my ageing mother , who cant do the things she once did, she has emphezema in the early stages , but shes doing ok, and has family around her , shes my best friend , and stood by me through everything , when im in plaster , she will be coming down to help me.
what will i do when the one person i love more than anything in this world leaves me ? - im very worried about that.
i have borderline personalty and post traumatic stress, bad anxiety, agoraphobia, difficulty in controlling rage and aggression, but i have great insight, im aware i have problems , and ive been seeking help for myself for years now , since i had this apartment 4 years ago..
they dont have the treatment i want in my area because of funding and lack of resources, i asked for 1 on 1 psychotherapy. so im having to roll with what there offering : an occupational therapist to help me re integrate back into society, go places with me, get me involved , because ive been reclusive all my adult life..
im out of shape and overweight because ive been inactive for so long and cant do nothing bout it because of my ankle.
because of my disadvantages, and the way i feel cut off, left behind in life, i have a deep fear ill be trapped in this situation for the rest of my life , in a lonely apartment on benefits, being looked after by the government , at the mercy of the system, cutt off , lonely isolated , old - surrounded by yobish, antisocial teenagers, because of the crumbling society in uk..
and what will i do when god forbid my mother goes ? the one person i love greatly and keeps me afloat in life ?
shes proud of me, tells me im doing well, that ive come a long way, to take 1 day at a time..
but i find that hard, i dont ring her as often crying about it anymore because im trying to be strong and shoulder my responsibilities like a man.
my goals in life at nearly 31 are still to : get a decent job in IT computers then to move abroad, leave england forever to somewhere coastal - its my biggest goal, i wont give it up or adjust it.
but from where iam now, and everything i have to get through, how will i do it ????
because the prospect of remaining here, in gloomy uk….my mum passing leaving me here in my lonely apartment is too much to bare..
that would finish me off, i would take a train to the coast, cut my neck or get drunk on whiskey and throw myself off some remote cliff into the ocean…….i mean it, i couldnt stand that.
can anyone give me any hope ? advice?
Posted in psychotherapy education
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July 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
You can only do one thing at a time….one thing!
Your Mum isn’t dead and she can go on for years. The nice thing about memories is you can go back in time and relive the time spent with someone. So you always will have her!
Your ankle. Find a way to support the ankle with either high top boots or wrap with cloth (rags) or elastic bandage. You can use hard plastic for added support.
Keep your dreams and work toward them.
Many of us have to start over, I did in my fifties. I had to find a new way of life because my old one wasn’t working. I spent 15 years in bed unknown to me at the time that I had food allergies. I lost 15 years of my life! I spend time everyday trying to get through to people that the chemicals in our food is poison.
You have the perfect opportunity to write about your experiences. By doing this it will also be therapy for you as you will see your past life in a new light.
Read a joke everyday and laugh!
One thing at a time and laugh is a good beginning!
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
I know it is hard to do–maybe impossible–because you are so unoccupied to worry and think–but as your Mother says–"Take one day at a time" You are projecting yourself ahead of time. Try to stay in the present. You need your mind occupied–but not with that worry–the future.You also need to keep yourself busy–if you have something to do. Puzzles?? Reading?? Maybe pick something of interest to you and do some self educating. Use your brain for something besides worry. It is hard–I am sure. Good Luck to you.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
The bible contains this promise: "For God has not given us a Spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)." This promise will come to pass, in time, if you first trust Jesus as your savior.
God can also help with physical healing if you are willing to pray and get others to pray with you.
If you get saved, you will also get to go to heaven. You also have an opportunity to get you mom saved while she is still alive.
I’d suggest you check out the website below.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
A lot of people go through it. You gotta be strong. Look at the positive. Make a list of the 20 most positive things in your life. Then go back and write a couple sentences about each thing. It helps. You will be OK.
Also, once a week visit a place that has a lot of people. Talk to a new person each time. You may find someone to fall in love with.
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
I know at times life can feel so horrible and dark that you see death as the only way out. But believe me there is hope, i have been through hell and come out the other end a more positive person i still have bad days but take them well these days.
Like you i have been in hospital, i had a very lengthy stay, then rehab and various mental health hostels, but i now have a place of my own and i am getting more stable.
Just remember al the postive things that had happened focus on these along with your ambitions.
You have insight which some don’t have, use this to your advantage.
I find self talk helps.
If you feel bad please seek support, a problem shared is a problem halved.
Hope this helps
July 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
I have compassion for you. Your struggles are causing you more anxiety. I lost my mum when I was 5. I have had many struggles in life, depression, insomnia, no confidence, feeling unloved and rejected, suicidal. No one I could talk to about how I was feeling that I could trust. I look back on my past now and thank Jesus for saving me from a life with no hope. That was 18 years ago. Today Jesus has given me a new life in Him. I can still feel all those things but now I have Jesus to turn to whom I love and trust. He gives me the love and acceptance I desperately needed. Jesus restored me and gave me a life with meaning and purpose. Instead of self pity, my focus has changed to Jesus. Life still has its problems but I am not alone anymore. I believed the gospel message and repented of my sin and turned to Jesus for salvation. His death gave me life. Jesus is alive today and His spirit is at work in people who humble themselves and admitt they cant live life without Him. Please I urge you to seek Him. That is what missing from your life. Peace with God or enemy of God? Which one are you?