help !!!!! how do i handle this behaviour until i can leave ( long question )?

my goal is to leave the uk with a decent computer job , but i have plenty to work through and i know im at many disadvantages : with no work history, qualifications , have a criminal record etc. missed out on forming social relationships , im now nearlly 31.

ive had a tough , rough life , and suffered with rage outburst in public , years ago, i have agoraphobia , panic attacks, bad anxiety , struggle with aggression, mixing with others , anti social conduct , very low self esteem , difficulty forming friendships , too needy, to desperate for friendship, all this as a result of severe victimisation throughout my life, i was diagnosed with borderline personality and post traumatic stress traits 2 years ago — ive been doing well for years and managing my conduct, managing my rage feelings, impulses - but its still a great struggle and iam seeking help , even though there is no psychotherapy because of lack of resources and funding..

for years now ive put up with this behaviour in my local community -

i feel society singles me out, ive put up with funny looks in supermarkets, for years, people being stand- offish and aloof, non accepting, been on the receiving end of mind games etc..

suffered patronisation, being condescended, spoken to as inferior, felt judged, singled out, victimised in my local society, even though ive managed my rage out bursts for years , this behaviour still goes on.
part of it i feel i think its because i live in a mainly white area of the uk and im multiracial.
but i wont bow down to be accepted, and i reject anyone who feels sorry for me or treats me as a charity case.

the people who treat me like this, iam aloof and abrupt back.

but its hard because i feel judged, branded as a society weirdo, labelled, singled out etc, like living amongst prejudice.

i feel people treat me like this because they think they have authority to do so, like they know me personally because of my conduct and rage problems - when they dont know me at all.

plus ive been in situations in the past where ive been spoken about or over heard someone talking about me , with them defining who iam to everyone , like they know me and can make statement about me , as if they no to be true.

this makes me feel very hostile and aggressive because, i dont appreciate that at all - im a private person who minds his own business and is working on my condition .

i dont like people speaking anything of me when they dont no me, defining me to everyone else , if there was no laws in society , they wouldn't do it again, trust.

i dont accept those who treat me as a charity case either, i reject them with cold hostility, even mock them, so psychologically ive changed their feelings of me.

how do i handle these games people play and their behaviour when im a reforming character whos just trying to work on my life, mind my own business ?

the people who treat me like this, iam aloof and abrupt back and stare at them right back .

but i feel like im in catch 22 because when i get angry and vexed and stare back etc - it just further alienates me.

i feel like starting something saying ' yeah whut the fck you looking at '
it gets me so angry, but how else would you deal with it ? its not as if i can leave england right now ……

and please dont condescend me or critisize me, ive controlled my behaviour for years and are minding my own business , so its nothing im doing, im only a bit aloof as a defense mechanism.

Posted in psychotherapy business