i feel so angry and enraged , can someone help me?
the situation is this :
im 31 had a very sad intense , miserable life filled with a lot of abuse, being victimized in many circumstances , psychological abuse , bullying all throughout my life etc, its been - hell.
ive been in a psychiatric hospital years ago, because i wasnt gettin help in the community , i was having rage outbursts and wasnt getting help, was being turned away……so i made up things to scare psychiatrist, so they would put me away someplace to get help.
have a criminal past for assault 9 years ago .
ive missed out on a normal life of friends , building relationships, being employed , getting qualifications and just basically living life, - everything.
the systems failed me , the mental health services and im still struggling to get the help from the mental health services.
ive lived in a one bedroom apartment on welfare for 6 years now, i own hardly no possessions , except an old computer , - which has been a lifeline to the outside world.
i was diagnosed as borderline personality years ago - which i accept, but i feel theyve missed symptoms and i have disorders running alongside the BPD - i have all the symptoms of PTSD for example , and symptoms of bipolar , and are wanting to be further ”assesed ” which my mental health team wont do.
they think i have BPD and nothing else , and also have told me theres no resources for psychotherapy , which is what i asked for.
so im having to go down other channels now to get the help, and further assesment i want - possibly even legal or make complaints.
i only have my mum to stand by me, whos stood by me all my life and whos trying to get the help for me to - although shes older and cant do things like she once did , like get around .
i still struggle with things like : racing , jumbled, obsessive thoughts each day - struggle to hold a train of thought , minds scattered , intense anxiety , have panic attacks and feel on edge outside, on guard .
have been agoraphobic for many years, scared of going out, hyper vigillant - only go out when i need to, to pay bills etc.
i suffered a street attack and head injuries in 1997, because i lost control of a rage attack in public - i think thats at the root of my PTSD and agoraphobia..
i feel uncertain about my future…..very insecure , have goals im wondering how ill reach……to have a good it job….friends……to relocate from england…live near the coast..
i still struggle with intense RAGE and anger at the injustice of my life -
feel jealousy and anger towards happy people getting on with their lives outthere , when i have to go out…
deep rage, bitterness , jealosy towards people outthere, anger at what ive missed out on..
ive prematurly aged in my face……balding…..
its like everybody and society has moved on without me…..people are oblivious to my tortorous life……loneliness…agoraphobia……..social alienation…
i feel like i exist on the fringes of society..
i sit here tonight, feeling extra lonely on the weekends….isolated, cant go out because ofrage and agoraphobia.
i feel deep anger, jealousy towards people, society because of the way my lifes turned out…….what ive missed out on……deep rage.
anger that im still struggling to get the help i need,
anger at feeling stigmatized….stuck in the system i dont wanna be ..
in….
i feel ignored, neglected , i have ann uphill mountain to climb
ignored and enraged at happy people outthere..
seriously how will i manage all these feelings that ive done well in controlling for many years ??
i feel so enraged at people and my life , frustrated and deep resentment
Posted in psychotherapy education
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July 20th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Look on the positive side of things.
At least you know where you’ve been and that you want your situation to change. There are some who will deny that and prefer living with an almost-delusion. You have your mother who cares about you.
Keep on advocating for your rights to various forms of therapy. And take small steps toward improving your health. Release your anger in constructive ways…drawing, learning guitar, writing a journal, etc.
I’m sorry about the system. It can really be of no help to some people. I wish you all the best, I really do.
July 20th, 2009 at 9:27 am
sTOP BEING BRITISH… ITS NOT A MUM
July 20th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Get over it or you will suffer for the rest of your life!
July 20th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Ok now what’s the question?
July 20th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Start trying to rid yourself of the things in yourself that are negative. Take a very close look at your personal qualities and faults. It seems much of what you do it self defeating and blaming. You said you suffered horrible abuse being beat up after you went into a rage episode on others. Can you see your fault in this? You cannot be selfish, jealous and bitter towards others that seemingly have happy lives on the one hand then be angry that they back off from helping you. You have to start helping yourself. Start by accomplishing small things instead of being overwhelmed by the big picture. No journey takes one day if it is truly worth it.
July 20th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Ignore the first three fuckers. Now, I KNOW what you are going through, and I can tell you: change. I am one or two steps forward from you, cuz I am currently under a metamorphosis. Change both your personality and your looks. I know it sounds difficult (I have/had your illnesses, still don’t know if my illnesses left cuz I controll them), but I thought "fuck this. If my fucking brain won’t cope with me, I will make it cope!".
I calmed myself, chilled, and saved my RAGES for when a fucker wanted a fight (rage is EXCELENT for that, though ALWAYS try not to fight).
Believe me, there ARE good people around, though they are hard to find and/or they hide because they fear you. Bless you my friend, and may your life change for good.
September 11th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
The responses from the first four people is typical of the responses you get from people full stop! Unless you have had the misfortune of suffering mental health issues, you will never know what these people go through. I have had mental problems like yours all my life and have found people will seek out these weaknesses and use them to hurt you more. Everyone is looking for someone else to blame for their mistakes in life and vunerable people are ideal targets. I have tried to get help for my problems, they get me to tell them all about my problems and my life then say they will sort out a program then shelve the files, hoping i will just go away while i am going through hell at home.
Most mental health issues start from the direct family then move on to the outside world. Following you through life. Most people will only help if there is something in it for them, otherwise they say ” get over it”. It is easier said than done. You do need support and the only way is to look in your local paper for support groups which are usually run by people who have problems or have had problems. This will get you out and meeting people who understand where you are coming from.
Mental health in general is a social decease and can only be cured by meeting nice people. Unfortunatly there arn’t many nice people about these days as most are only out for themselves and havn’t the time for anyone else. Being alone is hell and in these conditions staying in painting, drawing or any other hobby staying in alone will not help. You need to mix! Why not go to evening classes that way you will learn something new and get your confidence building. Share interests with people or even get a cat or dog. STOP YOURSELF THINKING!! good luck…