i feel so left behind in life at nearly 31, filled with insecurity about my future- what do i do?
right now i feel alone , isolated from society with many insecurities.
ive had a unfortunate hard life filled with trauma, because of this ive missed out on the normal things that a person does : forming any relationships, having a life - achieving an education and qualifications.
was diagnosed with bpd personality disorder with ptsd traits 2 years ago, suffered and still suffer with the symptoms of ; high anxiety panic problems, struggle with aggression and rage , very low self esteem ; agoraphobia been isolated from society for many years.. ; struggle social to form friendships , maintain conversations , have very low self esteem.
used to have countless rage outbursts in public years ago, impulsive aggression, but ive managed it well for years.
been very lucky, because of rage i lashed out at people in public, been attacked myself, cautioned by the police in the past - the rage comes from years of bottled up anger in adolescence where i suffered taunts and mental bullying.
people in my local community are still cold and aloof and treat me as an outcast, their distant from me , like they have for many, many years , but ive tried to carry on and ignore it…
in the present i live in a one bedroom flat in the north of england on disability, owning hardly any possessions, reliant on the mental health services for support…………they dont have the therapy i want because of lack of resources ( individual psychotherapy ) so im having to take what their offering which is ( occupational therapy to integrate me back into society ) because ive been isolated , alienated from society half my life.
i have a criminal and psychiatric record, criminal record going back 7 years ago, spent time in a mental hospital for 18 months in 2000.
to be honest iam desperate for a life and happiness, a career, meaningful relationships, security , stability , to achieve my goals in life of a decent computer job and to move away from england , live abroad someplace near a coast, with a wife etc..
im desperate for all this, things ive never achieved because of my unfortunate life.
i act desperate for people friendship, and my severe low esteem frightens people away or they reject me.
and how will i achieve the things i desire in life when iam so far behind everybody else at many disadvantages ? ?
Posted in psychotherapy education
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July 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
I’d put it down to self hate -it could be you are not just a victim of labels,bullying and poor upbringing,but also-you play a part in perpetuating the notion that you are ‘crap’,which takes you to remembering only the horrid times. -that when young,you had no ability to sort out.None of us could have when young.
be livethough you belive in the diagnoses,it should not be used as your stick,to beat up yourself up with.
It’s a great injustice to your psche and ego to have these patterns of desperation that can re-boot you to lousy default settings-as it’s not your vitus,so to speak,it’s real life situation that needs CBT and DBT,to help you challenge ‘auto negativity’
I’m sure you have the intel to improve your life.
a Books to think of getting::
‘
Mind over Mood’ by DennisGreenburger Phd and Christine A. Padesky PhD Denns
FULL OF CBT + (hands on) and monitoing methods.
EMC
Kind Regards.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
PRAY!
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
I’ve had a strange life too. Not as unfortunate as yours but still very strange and I’ve turned things around. Email me if you want and we can be friends.
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
I’m sorry you’re having it so tough. The first thing I’d try to do is to get rid of the notion that you’re behind - behind compared to what? there will always be people with more and less than you have. Comparing yourself to the first group will make you feel lousy, and comparing yourself to the second group is just mean spirited.
You talk about the things you would like to have, even say that you’re desperate for them - but they all sound like very big changes in your life. I’m not saying they’re unattainable, just that they’re very significant. Try focusing on the first steps that will get you there - the best way to make friends is to join groups and get yourself around people. Volunteering is always good, both for the cause you work for and for yourself. Church groups are good if you’re religious, really anything. The best way to fight low self esteem is to accomplish things - no matter how small those things are- and to keep doing it. Mostly, quit thinking that you’re behind anyone else - we all end up dead in the end and no one can take anything with them. The process leading to your goals matters a lot more than the goals themselves.
Good luck
July 3rd, 2009 at 8:35 am
you don’t have any disadvantages,your life and choices are ‘overflowing’ with advantages and you damn well better take advantage of them! You better occupy your mind with ‘occupational therapy’ and achieve the goal of a stable technical specialization.esp. if your considering a woman/wife,not many women will consider a penniless and jobless man.Their are millions of women with low self esteem,battered ex-wives,those with similar circumstances waiting to meet a kind and appreciative man.You can make a difference in their life which leads to self identity,self esteem,etc. If diligently pursued ’self education’ in important matters is far better than the education you missed. None of the persons i know give a damn about criminal records or past histories,all of them have made mistakes. We care about integrity to the crowd!