I won't be able to go back to school at this rate - I might as well kill myself?
I’m a 15 year old boy in London, England. All of my shouting and arguments have caused my neighbours to avoid my parents. Even though my parents are great, and don’t deserve this, my dad was the one who caused this. He has bipolar disorder and his 3 month manic episodes are like the last 30 minutes of Scarface. He’s like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My mum tried to hide the episodes from me when I was a kid, but that didn’t work as it got worse the older I got.
Finally when I was 14 the last big episode (summer 2006) caused me to lose my sanity and resulted in brief psychosis, which went, but ended with me in isolation and away from school.
I broke out of isolation last summer and went back to school in September, but I couldn’t sustain it and ended up where I am now - back in my house.
My organisation’s getting worse everyday, so is my attention and working memory. I can’t do quadratic equations that I used to be able to do last summer without any practice. I can’t get out of bed in the morning to get to school no matter how hard I try.
- My psychiatrist doesn’t seem to care. She can’t diagnose or help me, she can only prescribe drugs - she’s a frickin’ mobile drug dispenser.
- My psychologist says I’m a very complex patient, who needs a report with a narrative, not diagnoses. He thinks I have ADD and bipolar but can’t offer diagnoses.
- My psychotherapist can only organise events and meetings.
- The other two offer ideas in meetings.
Don’t say get a new psychiatrist - I can’t this is the universal health care system of the UK where I have no control. I wish I could choose my doctors though.
As you can bet I’m pissed off, so I’ve come up with a plan. Call me delusional but hey my future is at risk. I’m gonna threaten that if they don’t offer a diagnosis and treatment I’ll wont go to school until they do it. If that doesn’t work I’ll raise the stakes and threaten that I’ll kill myself if they don’t offer a diagnosis and treatment. That’s all they care about – suicide. They don’t care if your life is hell for 6 months and getting worse – but as soon as you mention the word suicide all the first class treatment comes along. If I want to take my life back I’ve got to be proactive about doing it so here goes.
Is this gonna work? It better do.
Posted in Psychotherapist London
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September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I’m confused.
I guess I’m not really understanding what it is you are looking for: a diagnosis of some kind of mental disorder *for yourself*? Are you certain that the problem is something that you intrinsically have, as opposed to something that is externally supplied and that you have to deal with? Based on your story, it sounds like there is a lot of stuff going on with your father. What do you think would happen to your own situation, if your father’s instabilities were resolved, or at least improved?
I don’t know if threatening suicide would be in your own best interest. As much as the NHS folks are monkeying around with trying to figure out what’s going on, if they were to put even more emphasis on *you* when *you* aren’t the problem, it may make things even more difficult for you. The mental health police can very easily give you more powerful medications or get you institutionalized, and although these might offer an escape that you might find appealing, they aren’t particularly helpful avenues of recourse in the long run for you. Not going to school will become the least of your worries.
Are there any other options available? Is there any other place to stay besides staying with your father? It just seems more reasonable to me to remove all toxic and unhealthy influences (like a very unstable situation at home), and then see if other issues in your life clear up as a result. If there are any other persistent issues, then at that point you can consider taking the next step. Take control of your own life, leaving it up to NHS as a final, last resort.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Why don’t you ask him?
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Well no matter what you do or threaten, don’t kill yourself. Don’t be coward. Help will eventually come, even in your twisted situation.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I am sorry you are going through all this. I can not offer any practical help but know that I have said a prayer for you. I wish you all the best.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
do anything except actually harm yourself or others.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
you cant rush into things…. sometimes you just have to wait for things to fix themselves like a cut. shit wont be as shitty like this forever and that is a fact.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
i don’t know what to tell you to do. just be careful about what you say so you don’t end up in an institution some where.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Wow!!! Talk about a bad day:( Well go ahead and try it… But, I think they will just throw you in a hospital and give you more drugs that you dont need…. There the CRAZY ones
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I seriously doubt that suicide or even the attempt is the way to do it. Treatment can be frusterating but worth it when you finally get it right.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do! Sounds like a good plan to me. Take charge! Make the sobs earn their pay.
Over here in the US, unless your parents had lots of money, you’d be sh*t out of luck. Proly be a gang member, on drugs, hanging out on street corners, and eventually homeless.
Lucky you live in England.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
WOW! I feel your pain, doctors suck! Please don’t kill yourself though. What you are going through is normal considering your previous environment. Sounds a lot like my childhood….and of course here in the US, doctors blow me off as well. I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but you can get through it! I’ll pray for you, I wish you all the best!
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
You should come down please dont kill your self and you can still go to school and if you kill your self it will be the biggest mistake of your life just try. Talk to your neighbors and get them to come and visit.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Hey the way you write, ur personality sounds very similar to me I can see why ur threatening to do that, its desperate measures for desperate times. Good luck, I cant imagine how bed that must be, but dont be too hard on urself, u probably cant do the equations cause you havent had much practise…..I cant remember much of my degree and I only graduated this year! dont see urself as helpless, ur not and that wont help….u say ur organization is getting worse by the day, it takes effort when ur down/angry to do anything, and to get out of bed too-some days I feel so depressed I feel cant get out of bed, but its not that u cant, its just that its f*cking hard when ur in that mental state and u really have to push urself. Alsd, I was in a dark place between ages 7-21, and my life has only really just begun to feel normal….it will get better, you get so many more freedoms when ur older, ur still very young at 15 even tho you might feel like your practically an adult and therefore feel you should also be able to handle things, therefore feeling guilty for not being able to even though ur still technically v. young. Belive me there is a LOT more to come……I thought I was an adult at 16….but I just keep learning new things and feeling like im getting more mature, more able to handle lifes situations and people…..I am only 22 now, I can say that the darkest period in my life was at secondary school….even if it seems terrible, there is light at the end of the tunnel (cheesy I know, but true) and a great chance life will improve as u become more independant and start earning money, that really helps……trust me it will get better and you will look back and think how glad ur its over, but when ur young it sucks as ur parents influence ur life so much more and control it much more, even at 15. Think how great it will be when u can move out! I am only 22 there seemed like a time that my life was doomed but dont make that judgement on ur life just yet, there is still so much more to come.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I think being in that state of mind, and threatening that your going to kill yourself will only do more harm then good. And I mean do more harm to yourself. Your life is a very precious gift, and not one to be thrown aside gently. Also you need to find a way to keep yourself calm so you can actually begin to focus again. Don’t push yourself to try and do all the things that you use to be able to do, just take it slow, one thing at a time. Let the doctors do what ever they think they need to do but in the mean time you need to help yourself. My suggestion would be to pray. Talk to God, tell him everything that’s bothering you, vent, rant, but tell him. If you do this every time you are feeling frustrated or "pissed" you will begin to feel better and will be able to focus and do the things that a person your age should be able to do. This is not the end of the line for you, there is still time to finish school and live life. You will be in my prayers everyday.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I don’t have any answers for you, but I just wanted to say that I’m having a similar problem with school. Different circumstances, but during year 11 mocks in January last year I found myself unable to cope and stopped going to school. I put my parents through hell, eventually scraping through to sixth form with four and a half GCSEs. I was at least an hour late every day of the first term, and this January it happened all over again. They’re going to kick me out, and that will be it. I can’t get into another college without GCSE English.
Perhaps it’s of some comfort. Email, if you like.
September 22nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
My diagnosis is bi-polar with psychosis (I’ve had two severe delusional episodes which resulted in hospital stays.) I’ll tell you my treatment and perhaps it will help you with your psychiatrist.
1. Geodon 40 mg (for mania)
2. Lamictal 200 mg (mood stabilizer)
3. Abilify 10 mg (for depression)
The Geodon works great! I have been on that medication alone and it completely eliminates racing thoughts, mania or even psychosis. I went back to college on Geodon and I got straight A’s so you can definitely think clearly on this medication.
Lamictal and Abilify are better than nothing, but they are no magic bullets for happiness. They just cut through the worst of the depression.
I know you want a diagnosis and treatment very badly, and I wish you the best of luck finding that…