I won't be able to go back to school at this rate - I might as well kill myself?
I’m a 15 year old boy in London, England. All of my shouting and arguments have caused my neighbours to avoid my parents. Even though my parents are great, and don’t deserve this, my dad was the one who caused this. He has bipolar disorder and his 3 month manic episodes are like the last 30 minutes of Scarface. He’s like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My mum tried to hide the episodes from me when I was a kid, but that didn’t work as it got worse the older I got.
Finally when I was 14 the last big episode (summer 2006) caused me to lose my sanity and resulted in brief psychosis, which went, but ended with me in isolation and away from school.
I broke out of isolation last summer and went back to school in September, but I couldn’t sustain it and ended up where I am now - back in my house.
My organisation’s getting worse everyday, so is my attention and working memory. I can’t do quadratic equations that I used to be able to do last summer without any practice. I can’t get out of bed in the morning to get to school no matter how hard I try.
- My psychiatrist doesn’t seem to care. She can’t diagnose or help me, she can only prescribe drugs - she’s a frickin’ mobile drug dispenser.
- My psychologist says I’m a very complex patient, who needs a report with a narrative, not diagnoses. He thinks I have ADD and bipolar but can’t offer diagnoses.
- My psychotherapist can only organise events and meetings.
- The other two offer ideas in meetings.
Don’t say get a new psychiatrist - I can’t this is the universal health care system of the UK where I have no control. I wish I could choose my doctors though.
As you can bet I’m pissed off, so I’ve come up with a plan. Call me delusional but hey my future is at risk. I’m gonna threaten that if they don’t offer a diagnosis and treatment I’ll wont go to school until they do it. If that doesn’t work I’ll raise the stakes and threaten that I’ll kill myself if they don’t offer a diagnosis and treatment. That’s all they care about – suicide. They don’t care if your life is hell for 6 months and getting worse – but as soon as you mention the word suicide all the first class treatment comes along. If I want to take my life back I’ve got to be proactive about doing it so here goes.
Is this gonna work? It better do.
Posted in Psychotherapist London
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September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Ouch… (I’m 15 too)
I know what life is like at this time and although I dont have the goings on you do I see your point exactly - believe me I really do…
But you can’t totally rely on that… in all serious they may just think youre faking it but you may get to a point when you WILL do it… and that wont solve anything… seriously…
It sounds like you are disappointed in yourself - dont be. Just because you cant do things you used to doesnt mean youre any less worthwhile. Just embrace it and accept youve been away for a while but you can get back to that point. Because you can. Your just slightly rutted at the moment…
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
It sounds like you like your parents but I think the atmosphere of your home is very negative. You should try spending some time away from home (stay at a relatives house)…………………….
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
wow
1st of all i wana say that im really sorry 2 hear about this, im near enough your age…im 17.
i really done know what to suggest other then talking to people you trust like friends teachers etc and see what they think about it
maybe even get your parents down and have a talk with them about how you fel about all the arguments etc that have gone on in the family, that way they may realise what its doing to you!
other than that i really dnt know, im so sorry
hope it all goes ok & suicide is not the way, your young & life has plenty of time to get better for you
=]
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Sounds like you got yourself a bit of a mess.
Let me tell you three things:
1) I’ve been there. My situation was at least as bad as yours.
2) A "diagnosis and treatment" will not work. The psychologists will never know you as well as you know yourself (which, for the record, is not much). All they can be is someone to talk to, and someone to prescribe you medication. But I’ve never met a psychologist who can "fix" people… and I’ve known many of them.
As such,
3) The real cure is within you. It all comes down to the matter of character (What is your deepest motivation behind choosing — yes, I said choosing — not to defeat your mental troubles?) Your story is brimming with ultimatums, blame, attention-seeking and it makes me not care about your suicide threat.
You are actually in a comfort zone. The question is, do you hate where you are? Do you earnestly want to change? It won’t be easy. If you decide to, then you can change.
Email me if you’re serious about overcoming this. I wouldn’t mind giving a bit of my time freely…
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I’m sorry you are going through all this, I can’t say I can offer advice since I don’t live in England. But I do wish you all the best and hope your situation gets better. God Bless you
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I know what its like to be fed up with doctors, but no threatening to kill yourself is not the key. What I did was be annoyinginly persistant. Call them every day, refuse to leave without a diagnosis. Tell them you want help and they arent doing it. Tell them they are doing a bad job. Ask them what their plans are with you? Are they trying to do stuff but they arent telling you anything?
To me you sound depressed..ask for antidepressants…do research yourself. tell them what you think is going on. List your symptoms, say I think I have this and this. I think it would be a great Idea to go on this kinda drug.
Demand to be helped.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
wow time to take a big breath of life in and let the ugly go! mabe you could try to look up alternative remedies for your problems i know i am a nhc and my husband and my self have shared an array of what the world calls mental problems! however if you start to devote your time to naturally helping yourself you may be quite surprised at how the body given the right things can take care of the problems. anyway always remember you are very special!!your are the only you there is in this univerise!!! so tough it up and go for the feeling of controlling your future! hope this is not taken wrong as i only want to help you see how special we all are! and sometimes we have to take a different path to get what we need or want .take care.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
You poor soul! Listen living with anyone that has bipolar disorder is in no way easy. Isn’t you dad on medication to control it? Are you having to continue to suffer in all of the maddness in your home? This is a very important question. I, as a nurse pratitioner, would have to know that. Because if you are then it isn’t you at all! Can you leave your home and go to live with someone else?
I think that if things aren’t settled in your home then your subcontious tells you "Hey, why are you back here? Isn’t this the place that caused us to have a breakdown?" Your mind is putting up a defense mechanism. It doesn’t want to go through all of that again. I hope that makes some sense.
I have a 15 yr old son that does have ADD and you don’t sound like someone with it but then again I don’t know you. Saying that you will commit suicide could backfire on you. Yes it will cause them to jump, but in what direction. Even if you have no intention of doing so. They may send out a padded wagon for you and put you in an asylum. Being under a suicide watch is no fun either.
I would try to make sure that the main cause of you having the problem in the first place is taken care of. Or at least try. Bipolar disease NEEDS to be treated with medication. There is no other way. If you see yourself becoming like your father, please accept the meds from your doctors. otherwise do whatever you can to see to it that your dad gets help.
I wish that I could offer you more. But this is about all I can say right now. You have definately posed a true dilemma. You may contact me if you like so we can write to each other. I don’t mind. Sometimes it just helps to have a sympathetic ear.