is it normal to get angry at yourself for feeling emotional and nearly crying?
ive had a hard tough life, missed out on everything, forming any friendships, being employed , having qualifications etc.
have a criminal past 8 years ago, been in the loony bin 8 years ago, i now live in a one bedroom apartment on disability, i own little possessions and live in england.
i struggle with borderline pd, and post traumatic symptoms, agoraphobia , struggle with rage and aggression, low self worth, social problems mixing with others etc.
im aware of my problems and have been proactively seeking help and therapy for years now, although psychotherapy is not available in my area due to lack of resources - so im taking OT therapy which is what their offering.
im now 31 years old nearly,i have come a long way, made progress with my behaviour and rage, and iam trying to be positive, work hard and my problems and be concentrated at all times, accept the help from mental health services etc..
im under alot of pressure right now with other things to, i injured my ankle a year ago, torn the ligaments completly and will soon need an operation to reconstruct the ligaments…..i will be in plaster for 6 weeks afterwards on crutches, then will have to do physio to strengthen my ankle……..so thats worrying, worrying will i be able to use it again…
i cant just easily make relationships with people, find it difficult because of low self esteem, act desperate, dependant for their friendship, which frightens people away….mostly online , because i cant go out anywhere right now because im reliant on services to re integrate me into society..
my ultimate ambition left is to get a computer job, then to leave the uk, emigrate to a hot climate.
those are my only goals.
im worrying alot about insecurities right now, about my future, ankle, future goals etc…..and just lately over the last couple of weeks im starting to get all emotional , and virtually near to tears about my whole life situation..
ive put up a tough a$$ front for so long, give off aloof vibes like im soldiering on, endured a tough life , but just lately thats getting hard… worrying, worrying and more worry…..
will it come together ? will it come together ? racing thoughts , can i survive all this etc..
i was coming out the hospital weeks ago because i went to see the surgeon over my ankle , whilst in the waiting room , some man was giving me disapproving , antagonizing looks…..i nearlly lost my composure , stared back, felt affected , ruffled , undermined , agitated , feel i let my feelings show etc……luckily the nurse called my name and rescued me…
when i was walking out the hospital, my emotions felt all over the place, i was nearly upset and crying, felt under seige, victimised , and i was struggling to keep up my calm aloof composure, was worried looking around lost….
i feel angry that my front recently has been starting to slip, giving way to emotions and vulnerability like a big scared jelly baby..
ive for so long tried to be a man about things, give off angry vibes, tried to keep the world out, i think to protect myself..
should i feel angry at myself that recently the toughness has started to slip giving way to emotions, fear and uncertainty ?
am i a fa gget ?
Posted in online psychotherapy
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May 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
looking at this, you should a little happy and positive you made it this far. Look at the bright side.
My lovely step sis had it worse and ended up taking her own life. And no you're not a fa gget and you shouldn't be angry at yourself either. I'm not always happy with myself but I always try to look at the bright side and positive thoughts.
I think you need an outside help for your anger issue and for the social and low self esteem, you need a social life. The best way in my opinion is to face your fear, I did (had fear of rejection) and yeah it hurt alot but the good thing is that I know now and It hurt so bad that I actually got used to it. Well, not all of them went well but I'm glad and If I look at them now I think they're stupid.
OKAy, I'm very normal and I too have those insecurity, like I don't know what my goals are, I don't even know what I want to become: that's why I took a self discovering journey: to know me, who am I? and all that questions.
One thing I learned since I was born that I find very important is don't let your past rule over you, what happened happened, change can only happen if you have peace with your past.
Yeah, you had a pretty rough life, so did I, so did my step sis, so did my dad/mom who lived in a very rougher time. BEST OF LUCK
May 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
considering what your life is like, yes, it is normal to be angry at "being weak" and crying, but a lot of people do it. You need to talk to someone that you know and tell them about yourself and how you are feeling.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
You should not be angry at yourself for this. In fact, you should be relived. It doesn't help holding it all in, you need to get all your feelings out there, talk to someone about it. If you keep holding all these feelings in, it will kill you. If you want someone to talk to, try this site:
http://vikenssuicidehelp.wetpaint.com/
May 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
You been to the box? Part of me says, suck it up princess, but I know what you feel like. I am down part of your road, and it sucks, going from soldiering on to being a broke dick SUCKS, find someone to talk to, especially when you reach that point where you are so pissed at your situation that you want to take out the next grabastic civi you see.
May 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
you should not be angry with yourself. no one can be tough and put up a wall around them all the time. that would not be healthy. perhaps your are going through a period of emotional growth.. it's very hard to let down those fences. but how can you learn how to deal with these situations if you don't open your heart and mind. it is my opinion that every thing that happens to us teaches us something. by trying to understand that hostile man's motivation to give you those looks that you see as antagonising may simply be his defence mechanism. that is a type, you know, of protection that consists of striking first. sadly enough these individuals do not realize they may hurt or antagonise others. when you can try to have some understanding for him, it's easy to keep controll of your anger and not act on it. this man is probably very unhappy and may have had a lot of hurt piled on him that you have no clue about. maybe a smile from you would have helped him in some way. who knows,may be he would have flipped you off or made a rude comment, but know this, you would not have been hurting anyone or feeding your rage. you are the expert on what a human can suffer and still hold on to his goals. that is something to be proud of. keep hanging in there and have hope and faith. i have my test procedure tomorrow. keep me in your prayers as i do you in mine. i am wishing you a good recovery of your ankle. M
May 27th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Everyone has a cross to bear, these are yours. You don't get a guaranty with life, you just live it.