Is selfishness a ‘normal’ part of grief?
I am 21 and I live with my dad and my 16 year old sister, and my one year old son. My mum, who we also lived with, died in December, very unexpectedly, and needless to say we're all just in our own personal hell right now.
My question is because all our lives, my dad has been a very strong character and without fail always put my sister and I before anything. (Not by spoiling us - we've been well grounded - but I mean with the important things). But since all this… I don't know, it's difficult to explain. He's just not there as a father for us any more. It's all about his grief for his lost wife. Anything we feel comes secondary to that. We need to do what makes him feel better, even if it makes us feel worse, and it's been that way ever since this happened and doesn't seem to be letting up - for example we're constantly dragged from pillar to post to be with him so he can be with other people, and I hate being around people constantly at the best of times but especially now, I feel like it's numbing my grief having to constantly stay strong around others, I just want some time to get my feelings out by myself, I can feel myself growing number by the day. When his friends are talking to him, he will naturally spend a long time talking about how he is etc, but when they ask how my sister and I are - his response is, 'they're fine/ok/resiliant'. When in reality, he hasn't even asked us how we are. We are better at bottling it up because we have to to keep everything going. Inside I'm screaming. And yes all this has come out in arguments we've had in recent weeks, and I've also tried as best as I can to explain this to him when I've been calm, that we need more from him because we have no support right now. But it's changed nothing, and there's obviously only so much I can say, I don't doubt the sincerity of his feelings and I don't want to destroy him more than he already is. (Although I sometimes want to scream at him - he made her life hell for the last few months, she died thinking she wasn't loved because of him, and he turned the family against her and he even manipulated me to an extent right at the end - she was an alcoholic and she needed help but all she got was his abuse - all the way I stuck up for her and was there for her and I was the closest to her and spent all my time with her - and sometimes I f*cking hate my dad for lapping up all this sympathy while I'm apparently 'fine' when he never acted like he cared in the first place - but that is something I will never say to me and I do know that that anger is just my grief speaking).
Anyway I'm digressing - so today, he went to the doctors saying he was going to sort himself out, and came back saying he'd arranged for himself to see a bereavement counsellor. He never even bothered to ask if we'd like to do the same - and my sister has even expressed a wish to go to counselling a few weeks ago, which he has ignored, and she is nervous to go to the doctors alone.
Additionally to all this are his moodswings - he behaves like a teenager, I feel like I am his parent sometimes. Throws a strop if he doesn't get his own way, storms out of rooms, etc. And if he's having a bad day, he doesn't come and talk about it, he comes downstairs screaming at us when we've done nothing. I am studying a full time degree from home as well as looking after my son full time, and I'm more than happy to do more than my fair share of housework, always have been and of course more so now, but we live in a large house and the list of stuff he gives me to do takes me literally the entire day, I don't spend enough time with my son and I'm majorly behind with my course. And if by the time he gets back, it isn't all done, he's screaming at me for not being as good as my mum.
I just want to know if this is a natural thing for a grieving husband - this behaviour is SO out of character for him and I'm getting to the point where I'm worried some of that inner anger I'm feeling will spill out, which I really don't want to happen. I'm so resentful, I'm now trapped here living with him because my sister will be at uni before long and he's already talked about the fact that he won't cope alone. My family stopped me from going to London to pursue a career in nursing in a top university that I was accepted into - and now it seems I can't so much as move out of my own house into the next village. I can cope with living here for a few years if I'm living with a reasonable person. But if it goes on like this, it's just like being trapped in a living nightmare. More than anything I would like some time to grieve properly, but this situation is pushing all that away and it's scaring me.
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May 14th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Mama,
I'm sorry for both your loss and your current pain. Everyone grieves in their own way. The fact that you know your father so well shows you how out of character his actions are. I've been a medic for a long time and without knowing him, I'd think that his grief was perfectly appropriate from my perspective.
Feel your resentment now. Let it burn that your dad isn't allowing you or your sister to mourn. If it blows up, it blows up. *That's* part of grieving too.
When it's all over though, let the anger go. You can't change what your dad is doing. You can only learn from it. He's not the rock that you always thought he was. He's a normal man. He may be thinking that since he spent all of your life being there for you that maybe now something is owed to him. Sometimes I feel like that a little. I'm the caretaker in my family. If someone is sick, I'm there for them. But when I'm sick, I'm by myself. And sometimes I resent it. I always tell my wife that when she finds me in bed with another woman, it won't be for sex. The 'other woman' will be taking my temperature and giving me soup…
But I digress too. Take your sister and get her and yourself whatever help you possibly can through the means available to you at this time; through church, school. etc.
In your home, continue to be there for your family only to the point where your own life and livelihood and dreams are still intact. You don't have to take your dad around to visit his friends and sit and witness him using them as emotional tampons. Let him go on his own. The most you should be doing is to transport him, drop him off and pick him up, but even that may be a stretch…
Do not let your father be the anchor that keeps you from living your life. He's a grown man and he'll cope on his own. Statistics show that he'll die seven years sooner due to the loss of his wife. But you can't stop that. And you can't fix him. And you can't keep him alive. He raised you so that you can live your life properly and fully with happiness and health. That should be the goal of any parent. And he'll die proud knowing that you're doing just that. But he won't die because you leave.
Let your sister know that she's loved by you and your father even if he's too broken right now to show it.
As to the last part of your question; is this natural for a husband? That's a hard one to answer even though I'm a husband myself. From some of the things that you've written about him, he might be bottling up a lot of guilt for what he did to your mother and you girls. How that vents out is so different from person to person.
Also understand that the bond between a wife and husband is special and most closely associated with the bond that you have with your child. Your dad was born into his family and you were born to him. None of those things were under his control. Taking your mother as his wife is the only relationship that he has that *he* chose and *he* created.
Something that you might try to get your father to open up to you and your sister is to initiate the process that you're trying to get him to deal with. Apologize to him for something that you regret doing or saying. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you miss your mom. Grieving together is very therapeutic and can make you all stronger and closer. At least it should. Your mom dying should be a reminder that our time on this rock is finite. We don't always get the luxury of dying in our homes with our loved ones around us with the ability to say goodbye.
You mentioned that your sister will be off to college soon. That means that she's nearly an adult. And you and your dad definitely are. Make sure that he realizes that when he's talking to you. Demand that he acknoledge you as such. Let him know that you're there for him as a daughter and a shoulder to cry on, *not* as an emotional punching bag.
As sad as your story is, I'm amazed and inspired by your ability to tell it. You've got to wade through a lot of waste around here to get to a question that really merits attention.
Best of luck to you and your family.
May 14th, 2009 at 4:17 am
yeah definitely
im sorry about ur situation :/
May 14th, 2009 at 4:17 am
different people deal with things in different ways. there is no "normal". i would get the whole family involved in counseling. that may be the best attempt at getting everyone to see these issues from multiple angles, as well as helping with coping. good luck.