life turned out not as i expected and now i feel disenchanted?

anyone understand me here ?

everyone i know has lead better lives than me, how do i deal with this ?

growing up i was enchanted with life, i was going to do this, and hopefully achieve this etc . - but because of a lot of misfortunes and now reaching the age of 32 -

i dont feel those things anymore , the world to me has turned out to be disappointing in my experience - and ive achieved nothing i wanted so far .

im 32 , have aged in my face, - have minor body disfigurements through accidents years ago, a crooked little finger, 2 missing teeth at the front lower bottom and -

i have to say that my life has turned out rather disappointingly so far . suffered injustices, adversity’s , made critical mistakes , squandered away years , been into prison 11 years back, have a long psychiatric history , behaved in a violent conduct years ago - and as such of all this, i have missed out on a NORMAL life . a life of ; - building relationships with people , being employed , getting qualifications and most other things - the things that matter.

dont get me wrong , my life hasn’t been as bad , compared to some people .

i have obviously survived up to now but its been very difficult to say the least -

the scenario now, more or less is :

ive lived alone for 6 years in a 1 bedrooom flat on disability, owning ‘ few ‘ material belongings - getting help for my difficult psychological problems , accept my diagnosis , hoping to get another test to see if i have anxiety disorders - which i suspect - i see a support worker weekly , which makes me feel like a RETARD because im a 32 year old adult - im hoping to get psychotherapy but have to do the support worker appointments first.

it has been pretty tough for me . - ive survived yes , only through inner strength - but ive achieved NOTHING i wanted to do - and got nothing i hoped for.

i feel insecure about my future , empty, lonely , and a sense of profound loss -

when i browse facebook and see all my old class mates that have done well, seemed to have lived average normal lives , most of them have had partners , have LIVED , travelled , have kids , are in work, enjoying their lives - one pretty blonde girl i remember ‘ louise ‘ - she had a crush on me in school ( back when i was cute and flawless ) - now lives in australia , has a good job -
i saw a picture of her with a big happy smile holding what looked like her little boy , she had sunglasses on and was standing on a sunny street that looked like ‘ ramsey street ‘ from the show ‘ neighbours ‘ - with a blue sky and fluffy clouds in the background.

i felt like crying , seeing reflected back at me the life i always wanted , hoped for , but never got .

a deep sense of loss and sadness engulfing me , in my dark , one bedroomed apartment.

the only things that keep me going are my ‘ remote ‘ dreams , the hope of attaining a good paying computer job, to build meaningful relationships then finally to move to a quiet coastal village near a seaside town somewhere.

but to me, those goals seem impossible.

can anybody feel my sorrow here ? and just ….what will i do type despair ?

Posted in children psychotherapy