loooong question. but it requires a bit of background information to understand the situation?

im 18. so was my boyfriend. 9 months ago we met and it was love at first sight. we were soulmates. when we met, i was not overly depressed but unbelievably lonely (my dad passed away the year before) and had made a selfish decision to take my own life as i simply couldn’t be bothered living anymore. in honesty i dont even know if i would have done it had i not of met tom, but i was convinced i wouldn’t live past 6 months. tom played psychologist with me, he shared all his views on suicide and very quickly taught me how selfish and wrong it would be. within a few months of knowing this overwhelmingly positive boy i myself was against the act. we tried acid for the first time, and for tom it was too good to be true. he thought he had found the answer to lifes problems. wanted to create a type of psychotherapy which included acid to help people solve their problems. we took about 5 more tabs over the next 6 months and they went from incredibly good to horrible for tom. when i met tom, he told me he got possessed by demons once or twice a year since he was a boy, where he would lie in bed and couldn’t move for about 5 minutes while the room went dark and all he could hear was screaming. i was fascinated by this, and when we got together he decided he was going to look into the darkness he felt around him and start seriously trying to tap into his own emotions etc which he had learned to suppress since he was a kid. i encouraged him to do so. how ever about 5 months ago he began to hear voices everywhere and became incredibly depressed as he had an extreme case of delusional guilt. he thought he had an evil side that had done horrible things to everyone, and the fact that he couldn’t see or figure out what he had done to everyone meant he was just a purely evil person. a month before he killed himself i had an abortion, the night after the procedure we got stoned, and like normal for the few months prior the weed just sent him into a depressed state where he would cry and talk to the voice in his head.he never properly told me what the voice would say. anyway, this night he grabed his car keys and took off as the voice told him to get out or he would die in some way or another. the next day he rang and explained the only way he could get better and not destroy our relationship is if he accepted he is a horrible person who has wronged the whole Universe terribly, accept the consequences, and see what he has done to the world.and he couldnt do that while he was around me. at this point i realized he had a schizophrenic disorder that had been induced by the drugs. he had seriously considered suicide twice in the previous month, but i never believed he would actually do it as he was so against it when we first met. over the last month of his life we didn’t see each other in person, but we spoke on the phone and texted alot, still saying i love you to each other and that we’l see each other soon.i knew i was the only one he was opening up to and being honest to about his insanity. i called his close friends a week before he died to tell them what he had been saying and how sick he was. but it was too late. he was alredy in too far. a week before he killed himself he was diognosed with schizophrenia and refused to take his medication.for the first time since we first met i was generally mad at him. i got him to call me 4 days before he killed himself, i had never been cold towards him regardless of silly things he had done as i loved him so much, but this time i was angry. i told him he had left me that night a month earlier, hurt me terribly, broken my heart and that he had done it all for nothing as he was refusing to help himself and take his pills. the last thing i said to him was that i need to get over him as loving him was now just hurting me. i didnt mean wat i said. i was playing a mind game with a suicidaly insane person. i just wanted to show him the pain his actions were causing and for him to reassure me he loved me. instead he told me he would think of somthing to help me get over him. then 4 days later he jumped off a bridge. i wasnt aloud to go to his funeral as his mum beleived the fact i was depresed when me and luke met, and the fact i i had and abortion was wat made luke depresed. to her i am her sons murderer. my family all tell me i am not to blame, but thats becoz they love me. as posting this to complete strangers who dont know or love me might get some un biased answers i thought id try. did i kill this boy? i feel like i have blood on my hands. and its the blood of the boy i would have died for. i had also told him if he killed himself i would too, so if he wanted me to live he had to live himself. is he waiting for me? im very confused.

Posted in children psychotherapy