My son's having problems with settling in at Secondary school!!?

Hi

My darling son started secondary school last month. He had a rough time in the final months of yr 6 as his 4 friends started to leave him out/not speak to him/call names & tease him about his weight (I think his BMI is at the top of ‘ideal’ so he is not obese). He has become very angry/aggressive/tearful but initially we put this down to ‘hormones’ as he has started puberty. I tried to speaking to the ‘ringleaders’ mum, who is/was a friend of mine. Sadly, she denied that it was happening and this meant that the situation deteriorated & my son spent the summer hol’s at home with me & his younger sister as no-one invited him out.

As his 1st day of school approached he became more & more nervous & on the first day I had to drive him there, even though it is just as quick to walk!! All of his yr 6 ‘friends’ were starting this school, but only 1 of them, whom he classed as his ‘best’ friend was in the same tutor group. I had to walk with him to the front entrance as he was v reluctant to go & I felt dreadful leaving him there but hoped he would soon settle & make new friends.

We are now 6 weeks into the term & only yesterday he was off school ’sick’ & this has happened twice before & illness was never the real reason. He has had to put up with name calling from boys & girls & being left out. On his first day another classmate threatened to punch him & kicked & shoved him about. Another pupil, from his old junior school, was always trying to trip/shove or call names & this culminated in my son having his arms held behind his back while this boy poured a litre of water over his head during saturday rugby training - with a teacher present! Needless to say, my son didn’t return to training after that.

I have spoken to the school pastoral manager. She did speak to the boys over the rugby incident & my son hasn’t had a problem with these 2 boys since. I asked for my son to be moved in his tutor room away from the boy & girl who were making his life miserable. He is now sat in the same group as his former yr 6 ‘best friend’.

Everytime I think we might have solved the problem areas it is replaced by something/someone else. My hubby & me are at our wits end He is still meeting up with his former yr 6 friends during school (I think they are almost a comfort blanket) but they meet up at weekends etc but don’t invite him. We got him to invite 3 of them swimming, without the ‘ringleader’ & this seemed to go well. 1 of the boys even came to our house last saturday, but he is not in my sons tutor group. My son has made 1 new friend in his class but again he has been drawn into the ‘old’ group of friends rather than trying to start a separate friendship group.

It breaks my heart to see him so distressed about school. He cries/shakes & almost hyperventilates some mornings. When he comes home he is quiet & is angry & quite aggressive sometimes.

He is now angry with me for speaking to the pastoral manager & is refusing to go & see her himself. He feels he has taken up too much of her time already. I have contacted Kidscape in London & he is booked to attend a kids assertiveness training session in november. I have also put him on the waiting list for childrens counselling, which I will pay for, as the school counsellor is during lesson time & he won’t do this as it will draw attention to him. I am also hoping to send both my kids to karate lessons to build their self-confidence. Does anyone have experience of this helping?

Can anyone suggest anything further I can do? What do you suggest I do when he is so upset & wanting to stay at home with me? I can’t help but cry with him when he is so distressed & then he is cross with himself because he feels he has upset me I keep telling him it will get better in time, but will it?

Sorry that this is so long but I have been struggling with this for ages now.
Thanks for reading.

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