my wife and i are separated. yesterday she made a statement that i “don’t get it” why we aren’t together.?
of course i don’t get it. actually i think i do. i told her i’ve been seeing a counselor for several months and we’ve identified several flaws in my personality (alcohol, jealousy, control issues) that wife hates, plus ways to adjust to become "normal" with regard to those behaviors. sober ten months, self esteem cognitive behavior therapy, successful.
so she’s said in the past "we’ll never be together again." but today my phone rang off the hook with calls from her. petty stuff, and she mixed in a comment that i think was supposed to trigger jealousy. didn’t work. she also mentioned getting lunch tomorrow and a movie later this week.
i don’t want to be a game player. i just don’t like to be played. it feels like that’s what is happening. "never be together" turned into several calls from her today. what the hell do you think is going on?
oh btw- i told her exactly how i feel: i don’t think you love me, i understand why you wouldn’t. i love you more than ever, her independence is rather attractive to me. i think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. she asked me to not tell her that–huh?
anyway, opinions please?
Posted in cognitive treatment
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September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
Sounds to me like she is getting very frustrated that she can’t push the same old "buttons" to get a rise out of you….
Continue your counselling and work regarding your issues. The more aware you are of your own self, the better person you will become. You’ll like the new you a lot better, and when you reach this point, that’s when to consider re-establishing a relationship with her. You need some time to sort things out without her interference with her "old tricks" that used to work. Ask her to give you some time.
She could use some counselling herself.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
stop the phone calls and move on with your life.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
obviously your addictions and behaviors had a negative effect on your relationship, and although you are taking the proper steps to correct these bad behaviors and addictions that means that she must work on herself also. Because you are working on yourself and getting better… but still your relationship dynamics will not change unless both people work at it. I would suggest you ask her to join you for couples counseling. Obviously she only knows the alcoholic, jealous you…. you must re-introduce yourself to her, show her the changes and let her learn to love the new you again.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
She’s the reason you were a drunken jealous control freak. She plays mind games. Let her go.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
While you were the weak one it was easy to put you down and let things pile on top of you, but now with a new outlook on life, becoming the strong one in the relationship, she sees the real you again and once again she wants that person. But she is forgetting what she put that person through and how hurtful she was for you to not want to go back. But she wants that strong person again, they are hard to live without.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
Wow, she’s really lucky! not many men would go to the extremes of councelling just to please the Mrs, but good on you. If you still love her then why not try the lunch and movies, just make sure you keep your guard up! if she’s still playing games with you after you told her how you felt then you’re wasting your time and i sympathise with you! you sound like a good guy! She’s the one thats going to miss out in the end!
September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
she is looking from a reaction from you!! Thats your answer. When women use "extreme" statements it meas that want you to respond to them good or bad so we hit both points just to try anything to get it from you. Perhaps you have not even noticed how much you have tuned out and stopped paying attention to her. When people from addictions of any sort it is hard to see anything but yourself sometimes and in doing that you can leave your loved one feeling lonely and like you don’t understand her anymore. You need to earn back the communication from her if that’s what you want. But it sounds to me like she has not seen the real you in a very long time and she hits triggers in you because that’s the only way she could get you to react in the past year. I really think I am right on this one!!
September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
She probably drove you to drink, Now that she’s had you castrated and going the "therapy" (friggin sissy) she doesn’t want you anymore… Now she wants a real man who she canBitch about… No woman wants a man who she can’t complain to her friends about…
September 9th, 2009 at 4:39 am
Congratulations on your 10 month sober! That is a huge achievement. I think she’s probably rather conflicted. Obviously I don’t know the whole story here; but she sounds like she still feels for you but is very afraid of being hurt. So she stays and touch; but pushes back at the same time. She lost trust in you but she’s watching you to see if it can regrow.
I suggest you continue to work on your own happiness. Stay sober, relax, let yourself enjoy life. Let nature take its course.
Best of luck to you!