What does it mean to be borderline & schizoid at the same time? What are their positive qualities?

I’ve just been diagnosed for Minor Depression, Borderline-Schizoid Personality Disorder. I took Flouxetine a month ago but I felt groggy so my doctor changed me to Lamictal, to stabilize my BPD tendencies. Problem is, I don’t cope well enough with such & it’s making me more confused than ever like every part of me is void or invalid, being that I have a personality disorder.

Please help me understand, anyone. Especially, psychotherapy. I’ve been on counseling for 2 months now & I don’t even think it’s helping me. And I am afraid to be dependent/attached/clingy to my counselor for I know this would be an unsuccessful counseling but she keeps on telling me she wants to be a friend but I set my boundary that she’d just be my counselor ’til all these would end, then she’ll be my friend. Well, my counselor was my teacher in 6th grade; I’m now 20.

I started talking about my problems with relationships/friendships that somehow I was unable to maintain and afraid of closeness for being afraid to get hurt. I distanced myself all the time. I fantasized also. I had a hard time expressing my feelings, even if I cared for the person, but I just didn’t know how to do it. I also repelled from touch (because I didn’t like the feeling, I felt uneasy), but I wished for touch, even a hug. And I did have bouts of anger that I punched walls & throw myself on the walls. I liked extreme sports & adventure. Many times, people thought I was crazy when I became hyperactive that I just did crazy stuff that weren’t somehow acceptable to people. I danced/play/laugh just for fun in unusual times. I felt different. I was different. Nobody understood me. They all thought I was weird. I liked my friends but I had trouble in interacting with them. Just last year, I was referred to seek a psychiatrist & so this year, last July particularly, I went to see the doctor accompanied by my present counselor & was diagnosed.

It’s my last year in college, but somehow, I can’t concentrate anymore of my studies & I hate studying nursing. Also, I don’t even know what I should do with my life. I don’t know how to make a living. I even think that I’d rent an apartment as long as my parents & aunt would finance me. That’s not a good thing either. But I love music, computers, movies, Math, & writing. My counselor told me I was intelligent & more than average but my mother disagreed that I was not even above average because she would compare herself to me that she was more intelligent & more logical & more than average. She would always remind me that she’s always right when I knew at times she’s wrong or her explanations were flawed because of her basis which mostly were just based on her experiences & what others told her. I, for what I had learned in books & the internet.

My mother even thought that I might not be depressive but having ADHD because I couldn’t concentrate & easily got distracted & being hyperactive at times. She even thought I was autistic because that time I was just watching the printer cartridge go here-&-there while printing & I was having fun watching it. My clinical instructor also said I was autistic because I was different & didn’t always "go by the flow" of things (that I might be in another world) like, for example, gossip; I didn’t like to gossip esp. that their topic was so of my disinterest; therefore, I just kept silent & stayed by the corner.

I don’t like going out with people I am not familiar with or that I don’t like their character traits.
I don’t even understand that my brain or thymus gland, or whatever, is not working properly, which means I’m defective?

I don’t know what to do with life. And upon knowing that I am not as valid as who I am, it’s like there’s no other reason for me to live because I don’t know who I am and I can’t even live for my dreams. No one supports me. They encourage to keep it up, but they don’t support me. Though, my counselor is supporting me that she wish that I become a better person. I don’t know how that would ever happen. If ever I’d be able to live my dream, would I still be able to continue living the dream? Is it enough to support me financially? I love music & I compose. I write songs, poems, journals, blogs, even hoping to write a storybook. I like Math & computers; I thought of accountancy/computer science but I was not sure. I was so undecided that I ended up taking nursing and I am not a people person. I don’t know how to care sick people. I hate the penalties of nursing either.

Posted in Psychotherapy Counseling