What kind of benefits can I receive for major depression?

I’m 18 years old and I’ve been struggling with depression for a documented 4 years (at least, I don’t really remember). I visited a psychologist when I was younger, and another for two years more recently. Along with therapy I’ve tried medication, which hasn’t worked for me. A psychological evaluation also determined I have ADD (if that is relevant).

I’m pretty sure I meet most of the prerequisites for SS disability; my depression clearly and heavily affects my day to day life, as in my ability to focus, work, etc. Recently I’ve been feeling worse. I’ve been struggling a lot with my college courses, and the center for students with learning disabilities isn’t helping much. I’m not currently employed, though I worked for a few months at a pharmacy – but quit after I was written up for being "mopey." I don’t enjoy anything as much as I used to… even the things I consider myself to be the most passionate about, like music (I’m a musician). A lot of the time I consider suicide as a very real (if not inevitable) possibility, and usually it’s a matter of whether I should do it now or see if things get better. I used to think "I don’t really want to kill myself," but lately I’m not even sure if that’s the case. Recently I’ve also been having anxiety problems… the thought of having to work unreasonably terrifies me – I’ve even tried taking the steps towards these things, but end up getting myself in such a bad state that it wouldn’t even be possible. I get into these horrible fits of depression/anxiety quite often for other reasons, which usually leaves me with self inflicted bruises, bite-marks, a weak voice, etc. At this point, I don’t really know what to do. I want to function like a normal person; I want to THINK like a normal person… However, psychotherapy hasn’t seemed to work. I can understand the way I SHOULD think about things, but I can’t seem to change the way I actually feel.

Lately I’ve been considering applying for disability benefits (if I am eligible) so I can try to get myself straightened out. However, what I’ve read online says that I’ll only be able to get around 0/month… though that might not be correct. Even so, 0 seems like hardly enough for me to live on – I don’t really see how I could do that (but maybe I’m overestimating the monthly cost of a single-person efficiency, utilities, and food).

Are there any other kinds of benefits I could receive? Is there anything else I can do in general? Thanks in advance.
I’d like some more numbers as to how much I could get… I’d rather be constantly miserable and depressed all the time than have to live on a hardly sustainable amount of income.
I don’t really see how living off practically nothing would make things better for me.

Posted in psychotherapy office