What’s wrong with me?

I’m 23 years old, never had a boyfriend, am a virgin (sorta, will explain later), and never been kissed. I’m not an unattractive person. In fact, I get told I’m quite pretty. But every time any guy shows any interest in me whatsoever, I freak out and subconsciously push them away. Usually this is by avoiding them at all costs. I don’t want to do this, and every time I tell myself I’m going to be brave this time and not do it, I do it anyway. It’s like an uncontrollable impulse. Or it’s like I’m doing it at such an unconscious level that I don’t realize I’m doing it. I"m terribly lonely I wish I could have a boyfriend. I’m in college and all the college guys I meet would have no interest in dating someone with my insecurities/lack of experience. I don’t know where else to meet guys. Like I said, I don’t do bars/ clubs. I don’t know that there are any guys out there that would even be willing to deal with someone with my amount of baggage. Also , don’t suggest church, I’m and agnostic. And I’ve tried sites like eHarmony, every one of them says that cannot find me a match at this time.

I also have tons of trouble making new friends. I make acquaintances fairly easily, but then it just never turns into anything besides small talk in class or at work. I very rarely "hit it off" or "click" with anybody, because I am kind of eccentric and I automatically assume no one has the same interests as me,especially in my age group. For example I DESPISE partying. I don’t smoke pot (which is a rarity at my school), very rarely drink, don’t like, bars, clubs, etc. I also hate how immature other college students act. Because of this, when I do meet someone that I "click" with, I become TOO attached to them. Like my best friend who just moved really far away. We were best friends for 10 years, and while she seems to be doing okay with it, I just can’t cope and have been randomly bursting into tears over the past week. I feel horribly depressed and anxious. I also tend to give sort of a stand offish vibe that I just can’t seem to control. It’s not like I want people to stay away, it’s just how I am. It’s even radiated to Yahoo! Answers…I’ve been in the dog section for over a year now, get loads of thumbs up, all my questions get starred, and I get chosen best answer a lot, yet NO ONE had added me as a contact.

I have a total lack of self esteem and put myself down a lot. This is because when I was growing up I was ALWAYS the kid who got made fun of by everyone. Not just the popular kids, even the unpopular kids. Even my friends made fun of me. It was because I was so eccentric, a total tomboy, and I was really poor and went to a school with kids whose parents could afford to buy them nice things. So I’ve pretty much built a wall around myself to keep from getting hurt like that. I also don’t trust people at all and always think they have ulterior motives when they’re nice to me because when I was a kid in school if someone was nice to me it meant that they were either just doing it because they felt sorry for me or doing it as a practical joke. This is probably why I can’t get close to people. I’ve also been painfully shy most of my life. All this adds up to a bad combination.

About the sorta virgin thing, when I was a kid, around 7 I think, my older female cousin (she was 15 or 16 I think) pulled me aside into her room one day, and basically persuaded me to engage in a bunch of sexual acts with her. She said her and all her friends did it all the time. At the time, I actually enjoyed it. I thought it was so cool and fun because I halfway knew it was naughty and there was a sense of danger to it. Those sort of sexual encounters went on for at least another year. Then one day, she just quit. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I had been taken advantage of.

I want to get better. I’m sick of being lonely. About the only 2 people whom I feel I can trust and I feel close to at all are my best friend who just moved away and my mom. Because I’m so close to my mom and I feel like she’s on one of the only one’s who actually cares about me it’s really hard for me to leave her and go out and meet new people. I seriously think I need psychotherapy or something but I have no insurance and the school counselors won’t help me because they don’t deal with as complex of problems as I have. Any advice either on my problems in general or how I can get help?

Posted in children psychotherapy