What’s wrong with me?
I’m 23 years old, never had a boyfriend, am a virgin (sorta, will explain later), and never been kissed. I’m not an unattractive person. In fact, I get told I’m quite pretty. But every time any guy shows any interest in me whatsoever, I freak out and subconsciously push them away. Usually this is by avoiding them at all costs. I don’t want to do this, and every time I tell myself I’m going to be brave this time and not do it, I do it anyway. It’s like an uncontrollable impulse. Or it’s like I’m doing it at such an unconscious level that I don’t realize I’m doing it. I"m terribly lonely I wish I could have a boyfriend. I’m in college and all the college guys I meet would have no interest in dating someone with my insecurities/lack of experience. I don’t know where else to meet guys. Like I said, I don’t do bars/ clubs. I don’t know that there are any guys out there that would even be willing to deal with someone with my amount of baggage. Also , don’t suggest church, I’m and agnostic. And I’ve tried sites like eHarmony, every one of them says that cannot find me a match at this time.
I also have tons of trouble making new friends. I make acquaintances fairly easily, but then it just never turns into anything besides small talk in class or at work. I very rarely "hit it off" or "click" with anybody, because I am kind of eccentric and I automatically assume no one has the same interests as me,especially in my age group. For example I DESPISE partying. I don’t smoke pot (which is a rarity at my school), very rarely drink, don’t like, bars, clubs, etc. I also hate how immature other college students act. Because of this, when I do meet someone that I "click" with, I become TOO attached to them. Like my best friend who just moved really far away. We were best friends for 10 years, and while she seems to be doing okay with it, I just can’t cope and have been randomly bursting into tears over the past week. I feel horribly depressed and anxious. I also tend to give sort of a stand offish vibe that I just can’t seem to control. It’s not like I want people to stay away, it’s just how I am. It’s even radiated to Yahoo! Answers…I’ve been in the dog section for over a year now, get loads of thumbs up, all my questions get starred, and I get chosen best answer a lot, yet NO ONE had added me as a contact.
I have a total lack of self esteem and put myself down a lot. This is because when I was growing up I was ALWAYS the kid who got made fun of by everyone. Not just the popular kids, even the unpopular kids. Even my friends made fun of me. It was because I was so eccentric, a total tomboy, and I was really poor and went to a school with kids whose parents could afford to buy them nice things. So I’ve pretty much built a wall around myself to keep from getting hurt like that. I also don’t trust people at all and always think they have ulterior motives when they’re nice to me because when I was a kid in school if someone was nice to me it meant that they were either just doing it because they felt sorry for me or doing it as a practical joke. This is probably why I can’t get close to people. I’ve also been painfully shy most of my life. All this adds up to a bad combination.
About the sorta virgin thing, when I was a kid, around 7 I think, my older female cousin (she was 15 or 16 I think) pulled me aside into her room one day, and basically persuaded me to engage in a bunch of sexual acts with her. She said her and all her friends did it all the time. At the time, I actually enjoyed it. I thought it was so cool and fun because I halfway knew it was naughty and there was a sense of danger to it. Those sort of sexual encounters went on for at least another year. Then one day, she just quit. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I had been taken advantage of.
I want to get better. I’m sick of being lonely. About the only 2 people whom I feel I can trust and I feel close to at all are my best friend who just moved away and my mom. Because I’m so close to my mom and I feel like she’s on one of the only one’s who actually cares about me it’s really hard for me to leave her and go out and meet new people. I seriously think I need psychotherapy or something but I have no insurance and the school counselors won’t help me because they don’t deal with as complex of problems as I have. Any advice either on my problems in general or how I can get help?
Posted in children psychotherapy
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October 10th, 2009 at 4:32 am
I’m 25 and I’m like you, except of course I am male.
I was molested as a child too, but you can conquer your past. I got beat up in school too, and I didn’t fight back. I actually got so messed up that after awhile I looked forward to the pain.
You have to accept your past and stop blaming yourself. What’s done is done, all you can do is pick yourself up and face tomorrow. If you don’t want to be alone, you have to learn to accept yourself and to love others despite their flaws. You have no choice but to trust them.
If you do want to be alone, you still need to accept yourself and don’t hesitate. Nobody else hates you or judges you. This is in your head. You can beat it, but only you can decide to. Either way you have to help yourself. We’re all responsible for our own happiness.
I know you can do it.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:32 am
change your atitude. you need a boy friend soon.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:32 am
See your not stupid your actually pretty smart. Like you said your natural reaction to people who show interest in you is to push them away because you are afraid of getting hurt. This is normal. You just need to pull your gaurd down take it slow and try to live a little. It’s ok to feel nervous or scared. You can do it I know this. You took a chance from moving from your mom and your fine. Try to be positive God said not to spend your Life worrying everything will take care of yourself.
You can get a Boyfriend!!!
PS: You are still a virgin. You have to have sex with the opposite sex to lose your virginity.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:32 am
i know the feeling, but i found what helps alot with the problem of feeling sooo bad when the people near do leave or whatever the reason is that the relationship ended, is to just avoid the relationships
October 10th, 2009 at 4:32 am
There is nothing wrong with you.
You will be fine.
You will recover.
You will find your love and a boyfriend, and become a wife someday
Trust me, You Are Young.
You just keep working on yourself.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:32 am
i think you need to cut yourself, and the world, some slack. i’ve been in a similar predicament (feeling lonely, crazy, burnt out) but you kinda just have to let it go and put yourself out there. i know it’s hard, but we all have walls, we all have insecurities and it’s ultimately up to you to break them down.
i want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with being arbitrarily selective with the people you choose to surround yourself with. but if you’re purposely keeping everyone at arms length..i mean that can’t be good for you. you find yourself in other people and as humans, we’re hardwired to crave some kind of contact. i don’t think looking into sites like eharmony or whatever is going to land you any sort of substantial relationships, to be perfectly honest. you need to be in touch with real people.
personally, i think you suffer from social anxiety. which is understandable, when you figure that everyone around you is partaking in activities that you don’t necessarily involve yourself in (considering the fact of being ridiculed throughout your childhood). i know it’s hard feeling alienated and like an outsider but i think if you look for it, you’ll be able to find some people who really aren’t into that kind of thing. that being said, i do believe that you’ll find those pockets of people in religious groups and people who are really focused on their education. once you establish some friendships and build your confidence in those "safe" arenas, i’m sure you’ll be able to branch out in no time. =]
i’m not going to lie, it sounds like you have some major intimacy issues, which i totally understand because i’ve had multiple experiences where i’ve been taken advantage of by people i trusted. because of that, i’ve made it incredibly difficult to let people in. it’s hard, it’s so f*cking hard to let those things go (and i haven’t fully, either) but being so afraid isn’t living. it’s just being scared and you can’t let that hold you down. you’re better than that, i can tell.
as far as getting help is concerned, i’ve been to so many therapists even a hypnotist, to try to help me make sense of myself. and honest to god, i thought those people were more f*cked up than i was. and to be honest, they only wanted to medicate me and i just wasn’t down. the answers don’t lie in pharmaceuticals, you have to peel back the layers of yourself and go from there. it’s never to late to heal, my dear.
if you need someone to talk to, i’m more than willing to chit. just drop me an e-mail. i’m here. don’t even hesitate to get in touch.