would you say im imprisoned where i dont wanna be?
my goals are impossible to reach ?
my future goal, plan, ambition is to attain a decent paid IT job then to move abroad to somewhere hot, leave england for good.
but because of my situation i feel stuck like it can never happen, im to disadvantaged or it will take to long, heres my circumstance :
ive had a hard unfortunate life, missed out on everything because of all the trauma , missed out on : relationships, being employed , having a life, travelling, getting qualifications, have a criminal past 8 years ago, been in a mental hospital years ago…… suffered many bad things.
i live in a one bedroom apartment on disability owning no possessions except a computer
have no social support network except my aging mother and 1 or 2 online friends .
i suffer with borderline pd and post traumatic stress disorder and are reliant on the mental health services for support, they dont even have the therapy im asking for because of lack of resources , individual psychotherapy , so their offering occupational therapy to help integrate me back into society because ive been isolated and an outcast for so long.
people out side in the local community are aloof, stand-offish, distant , non accepting when i try to be friendly , as they have been for sometime , i act desperate for friendship and acceptance from society and i cant disguise it anymore because ive suffered a lonely , miserable life , and missed out on so much.
iam now 31.
do i have any hope of achieving my dreams / goals ?
im worried that if i dont, i will commit suicide for sure because i dont want to stay here, i feel that strong and worried about it.
i know it paranoid but i get nightmares where the uk government have sealed the borders and they keep me in the uk against my will.
i desperatly want to leave and im scared it will be impossible or there will be forces to stop me.
theres always people here who throw obsticles at me and tell me i cant do it or my past will prevent me……which makes me angry, because i want to mind my own business and leave.
Posted in psychotherapy business
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May 28th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
If you believe you are imprisoned YOU make that true, try to believe that your dream will come true and you can do anything you want. You might not be able to see how that will happen at the moment but keep working towards it and it Will! happen if you really want it too. Try to stay positive, look at the good things in your life, even if they seem tiny, they will grow.
Put your painful past behind you, try to help other people with your experiences You have survived them! Maybe join (or start) a group and talk through your pain, something like Alcoholics Anonymous might help or perhaps start a counselling course? so you can help at the Samaritans or something.
The best help I gave myself when it all got too much was a counselling course, it helped me loads to understand myself and feel ok about everything.
Good Luck! Stay POSITIVE! and have a good Christmas
May 28th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Yes, there is hope. You need to tackle one thing at a time though….in order to move over seas you need to have some money saved up and you also need to be getting your immigration paperwork in order. Make a list of all the things you need to do in order to achieve your goals and do one thing at a time.
May 28th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I don't have all the answers, but when I read your letter I really related to the way you feel. When I read about your dream, about the borders of UK being sealed, I could feel that same desperate feeling of being condemned, or imprisoned. I feel the same way, like a curse is on me, like Cain, and I am not allowed to escape. I don't know if that is true or not, but it feels very real. Some people say that is mental illness.
I am 31 as well, live in Texas, and once had a normal life. I went to school, ran, swam, had a son I took very good care of, was active in church and had a social life, went to dances and singles events, then it all came to a crash when I started thinking others wanted to hurt me, or trying to put me down and keep me from succeeding. I overreacted, made many desructive bad choices, lost my son, apt., failed my classes, and was even homeless several times. Finally I was hospitalized, diagnosed with schizo-Affective disorder, and given medications. I now act strange, and too am ostricized by society. I don't know if they really are, but it feels that way. It could be they are just reacting to the way I am acting. I too have felt so desperate for acceptance. I guess that is what happens when you feel so alone and isolated. Perhaps the solution to that is to find, somehow and someway, some self-esteem. If we believe in oursleves and get on a path where we can function, contribute to society, accomplish something, one step at a time, then maybe we'll find our group, and belong, and not be so desperate. This Yahoo group is one great way to connect.
I have thought of suicide too, many times, and still do regulary, but I'm not sure that is a solution. Maybe when we go to the other side we will still have this problem to deal with. Maybe it's in this life-time where we need to try to fix it. Sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore, the isolation, lack of mental ability to do all I once did, dark feelings of abandonment and despair, it gets overwhelming.
I too had big dreams and goals, and am terrified I will never reach them. This is a fear I have every day, and it is debilitating. i still don't know if it is true, if there is no way, but maybe there is. One of the problems is that making plans to acheive our goals is very difficult when you have a mental illness. My mind is so scattered it is difficult for me to make plans. Also, everyday living, social outings, attending school, those things seem SO difficult whereas before they weren't so hard. I have 55 more hours to complete a Bachelor's degree, but the thought of taking a full course load is so overwhelming,. I don't think I can do it, but maybe I can take one class, and slowly get there. i won't achieve my dreams when I thought I would, but at least eventually I will. Maybe that is what you can do with your goal of becoming an IT tech. Are you trained? How can you get trained? What needs to get done to get trained so you can eventually get that job. Are you capable of figuring that out?
Hope some of this helped. I appreciate your entry. It really helped me not feel alone. It's comforting knowing there are others struggling with similar feelings.
Hope to hear more about your story.
Sarah